Feeling Guilty Pregnant With Second Baby After Miscarriage

The following is an excerpt from my 'The 2nd Infant Volume':

One of the toughest things about becoming a mother for the first time, is learning to cope with feeling guilty. We feel guilty if we don't 'love every minute' (nobody does by the way!), nosotros experience guilty if we lose our temper, we feel guilty when we desperately need a intermission away from our children, we experience guilty almost parenting choices we  make, or those that were made for usa and we feel guilty almost not doing enough cocky-care. We just tin can't win. Physical exhaustion and sleep deprivation aside, the guilt must be one of the worst things about new motherhood. First-time mother guilt is difficult, really hard. The second fourth dimension around, yous have the same guilt you had the get-go time around so much more than. The good news is though, that it is normal. You're not alone. Knowing this helped me to feel and so much meliorate. It didn't lift the guilt whatsoever quicker but taking away the nagging doubt of "is there something wrong with me for feeling like this all the time?" fabricated information technology much easier to cope with.

Let's have a  expect at some of the nigh common feelings of guilt that second-fourth dimension mothers feel and ultimately – how to move forwards.

Guilt from Turning Firstborn's World Upside Down
Nosotros've already spoken about feeling guilty considering of the disruption another babe brings to your firstborn's life in previous chapters, but I wanted to bring information technology upwards again. Sadly, those feelings of guilt commonly increase when the new babe arrives. For some, the new wave of guilt hits the minute you leave your firstborn to give nativity to your new baby. For others, information technology doesn't hit until a few weeks, or even months, downwardly the line. I take never met a mother who didn't experience guilty about changing her firstborn's earth though.

When Your Firstborn Suddenly Seems Huge
I call up the sense of stupor I felt when I beginning held my second baby for the first time. My babies are huge (ten and xi pounders), simply he felt so very tiny. Realising how tiny he was made me cry, considering it reminded me that my firstborn was not a babe whatever more. My older son, fifty-fifty though he was only xv months old, felt huge. Suddenly it felt similar I had missed a chunk of his life somehow. The feel of a tiny new baby in my artillery made me mourn a niggling for the baby that my firstborn once was and in turn, that made me reminisce about the early days as a brand-new female parent, only myself, my firstborn son and my husband. Which made me realise that our piffling family of 3 no longer existed. I thought I was insane for mourning my firstborn's babyhood, when he was live and well and a thriving toddler, until I spoke to more than second-time mothers and realised that many had felt similar I had
felt also. The feeling didn't terminal for long, because life equally a family of four quickly becomes the new normal. I besides spent several hours looking at my firstborn's baby photos, looking for similarities and differences between him and his new brother, which helped to abate my craving for my firstborn as a baby.

Guilt from Not Having the Time to Bail with the Baby
The first few weeks, or fifty-fifty months, of life with a baby and a toddler felt very much focussed on my older son. Nosotros went to his playgroups, met with his friends and went for days out to entertain him. The day revolved effectually my firstborn'southward mealtimes and nap times, while my second born either slept on me in a sling or slept in his Moses basket in our living room, in between some snatched fourth dimension for breastfeeds. Once my firstborn had gone to bed, I would option up my new baby for what felt like the first time that day. Of grade, I had picked him up several times in the day, but those holds felt very functional; a quick feed, a quick nappy modify and so on. I didn't feel similar I had any fourth dimension in the daytime to just cuddle him and get to know him. I felt and then guilty, that I was somehow depriving him of my total attending and inhibiting bonding in some manner. The truth was, he was very settled, calm, well-fed, make clean and content, but I felt like I should be giving him more. I felt lamentable that I wasn't going to any baby groups with my new son, instead he was being dragged along to toddler music classes and the like. I finally felt the guilt ease a little, when I booked us into baby massage classes at effectually six weeks. My older son spent a few hours with a childminder (who he loved, which helped to ease whatsoever potential guilt in that location) and I could finally spend fourth dimension one-to-one focusing solely on my new baby. Baby massage added to this feel, as we spent an 60 minutes each week looking into each other'due south optics and releasing lots of oxytocin with the skin to skin touch. I would recommend that you don't worry about going to any baby classes or groups with the new infant, but if yous can, try to get to a baby massage form or two. It really does help with bonding and feeling less guilty about the fourth dimension they spend strapped on your chest in a carrier, or rather ignored in a crib.

Guilt from Giving Attention to the Baby in Front end of Your Firstborn
While I felt guilty for not spending enough quality time bonding with my new infant, the irony was, if I did manage to exercise this, so I immediately felt guilty for doing and so in front of my firstborn. This is then common amongst second-fourth dimension mothers I have spoken with. Then many tell me that they feel guilty for holding and cuddling their new baby if their older child is in the same room. They worry about upsetting their older kid's feelings, or somehow making them feel less loved. Thankfully, this feeling wore off quite quickly, entirely of its own accord, equally information technology does with most mothers. Until information technology did, I took solace in the nighttime feeds. Night feeds, when my firstborn was safely tucked up asleep, felt similar our stolen hugger-mugger. An illicit affair in a way. As exhausted as I was, I would savor the placidity and still nighttime to hold and cuddle and gaze at my new baby equally he fed, safe in the knowledge that my firstborn was fast comatose and non witness to my display of dearest towards another. My second babe slept through the night freakishly early, at around iv months old, and I still remember how sad I was to lose our special time together. It was an ironic feeling, considering I had been ecstatic when my firstborn had started to sleep through the night. I institute myself wishing that he would wake again.

Guilt for Non Doing the Aforementioned with Your New Babe as Yous Did with Your Starting time
I course of guilt that lasted for a long time (and still hasn't completely gone if I'thousand honest), is the disability to do with your second-born what you did with your start baby. My start baby had homemade organic, steamed vegetables for weaning. My second-born was weaned on family leftovers and more than jars of baby food than I'd care to admit. My firstborn had beautiful, immaculate clothing, bought specially for him. My second born's wardrobe was predominantly hand-me-downs, as was most of the equipment he used and toys he played with. During my kickoff pregnancy I lovingly filled in a babe diary and journal. I could tell y'all exactly when my son said his first word and took his first step. I can't actually tell you what my second-baby's first give-and-take was, let alone when he said information technology and I only know when he began walking, because nosotros took him to go some starting time walker shoes fitted the next day and
the shoe shop took a photograph and dated it. I spent hours reading to my firstborn, teaching him infant sign language, singing with him and going to every infant group possible. Well-nigh pertinent though was the wall of professional baby photos we had had taken when our firstborn was 3 months erstwhile. They cost the equivalent of a foreign holiday (we justified their purchase by our absence of a holiday that year). They hung, pride of place, in beautiful frames in our living room. My second built-in had a couple of photos in inexpensive supermarket photo frames. We didn't have the aforementioned disposable income, the inclination or the space to repeat the ridiculously overpriced photo packet once more. The merely saving grace as my second son gets older and asks where all his baby photos are, is that I accept barely any of his younger brother and none at all of his sister, our quaternary born. Sometimes I yet experience a petty guilty over not giving my children the same in their childhood, but in my more rational moments, I really don't call up information technology matters. Aside from the lack of photographs, the only person who remembers 'life earlier two children' is me. My second built-in didn't know what he had missed and certainly didn't endure considering of it. In wistful moments I remind myself that it really doesn't matter, not to them anyway.

Breastfeeding Guilt
One thing that I come across a lot amongst 2d-fourth dimension mothers is breastfeeding guilt. They feel guilty if they didn't manage to breastfeed with their starting time baby but were successful the 2d time around. Or they feel guilty if they breastfed their first, but didn't manage to feed their second-built-in, or fed for differing lengths. Finally, they feel guilty for feeling the need to wean their firstborn, either during pregnancy, or soon subsequently their firstborn arrives if they had planned to tandem feed but establish information technology didn't piece of work out for them. There is no doubt that breastfeeding is the norm for our species and optimum for health, notwithstanding that doesn't hateful that formula milk is the devil. Our society needs to invest more in breastfeeding, in better support, better knowledge amongst health-care professionals and better provision for tongue tie spotting and partition. If your breastfeeding journey didn't work out how you had hoped, whether it was with your first or 2d baby, or possibly both, information technology's then important that y'all realise that you didn't fail at anything. If anybody failed information technology was those that should accept supported yous ameliorate, or your government for not properly investing in breastfeeding services. Know that yous did your best with the all-time that yous had at the time. Effort to exist at peace with the knowledge that you did what yous could, and you gave, or are giving, your very all-time to your babe. I have breastfed my own children for hugely varying lengths, from six weeks, to five years. None of them, every bit teenagers, have the faintest interest in how they were fed every bit a baby. Any time I spent beating myself up about the different means they were fed has had no bear upon on how they feel about me, or their upbringing.

Guilt from Feeling You're Not Quite Meeting Anybody's Needs
Too many mothers experience as if they are declining. If y'all wait at mothering as an occupation, a chore, I doubtable that we would be the harshest critics at any work appraisement, harsher on ourselves than those in any other occupation. The truth is, if y'all're reading this book, I'm pretty sure that you're a fantastic mother. Fifty-fifty if you experience like the total reverse now. I remember the days when my baby and toddler cried in unison. In that location were a few when I joined them as well. I retrieve the days when I went to bed, with a messy house and a frozen pizza hastily thrown in the over, thinking "I'm just no skillful at this, I'k barely surviving". But survive we did, we made it through the day, the side by side twenty-four hour period and the adjacent. All in 1 piece. My mantra on the bad days became "nobody died, everybody survived". Keeping us all live and healthy became my baseline. If I had a good day I would give myself a virtual high v and experience like Supermum. Gradually, the good days became more than and more than. Although, a decade and a one-half afterwards, I recall my ratio is probably however only seventy-percent Supermum days and thirty percent survival days. But, I've become less of a self-critic. I realise that I'm doing my best and that's good plenty. In the early on days, I'd really recommend having a "nobody died, everybody survived" mentality. Don't even aim for 70-percent skilful days. See them equally a positive and unexpected extra when they happen. It's OK to just aim for survival!

Steps to Overcome the Guilt

• Recognise that what you are feeling is common and normal, you're non alone!
• Accept your feelings. Allow them to exist. Don't feel wrong for feeling this mode
• Exist kind to yourself. Recall, information technology's OK if all yous did today was survive.
• Remind yourself that images of family life you see on the internet, or fifty-fifty in existent-life, are merely snippets. Well-edited snippets if they're on social media. You're seeing other families at their best. Don't compare your worst to their all-time!
• Attempt to detect simply five or 10 minutes per day to unwind. I don't mean taking fourth dimension away from your children (unless you want to!), just time to just sit down and focus on breathing, listening to a mindfulness recording or similar, just to unload your head a little each day.
• Talk to other second-time mothers. Hearing others share their gritty feelings can help you to feel less lone and more than sane
• Don't feel the demand to be Supermum. Taking intendance of a child and a new baby is enough. Information technology'south OK if your house is messy and yous're eating frozen meals. It's also OK to use the television every bit a babysitter!
• Practice talk with your health company or doctor if you experience that your feelings are become hard for y'all to handle, or if you feel that you lot are developing feet or depression.

The Second Infant Volume is available equally an e-book, paperback and audio book:

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Source: https://sarahockwell-smith.com/2019/03/18/second-time-mother-guilt-the-emotional-toil-of-welcoming-a-second-baby/

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